The Hazards of Hunting a Duke

By Agent Beauregard | January 10, 2009

Case File #: 00017

The Perp: London, Julia

The Crime: The Hazards of Hunting a Duke

Classification: Historical Romance

The Weapons: Painfully proper ladies

The Victims:

  • Ava Fairchild - an innocent, blond beauty who is determined to marry well in order to save her sister and cousin from being married off carelessly by their evil stepfather.
  • Jared Broderick - a.k.a. Marquis of Middleton, a confirmed rake who marries Ava to get his father off of his back about producing an heir.

The Accessories:

  • Sally Pierce- a charity case with a questionable past, whom Ava makes her personal maid. Sally teaches Ava to belly dance and perform fellatio so she can win Middleton’s heart.
  • Lady Lucille Pennebaker -  sister of the evil stepfather Egbert Pennebacker. Lucy is desperate to marry the girls off, and is ecstatic when Ava gets a proposal from Middleton.
  • Phoebe Fairchild - Ava’s sister who is constantly making sexy gowns for Ava to wear.

Violations: Too tame sex scenes (only missionary  - man overpowers the woman with his manly passion), and boring dialogue. Or maybe it’s just that the heroine is boring.

Analysis: Although this novel was a little uninspired and predictable, it was fairly enjoyable. Ava is likeable enough, and her plight will inspire empathy in most women.

It is never quite clear why Middleton “cannot love”, besides the fact that some maid he was screwing in his youth skipped town without saying goodbye. The existence of an illegitimate son seems like it was an afterthought, and the issue was never satisfactorily resolved.

Recommended Action: This book takes no chances, nor does it attempt to set itself apart from the  millions of historical romances out there. Although I do not recommend this book to romance connoisseurs, this might be a good starter book for readers new to the genre. I give this book a C.

Posted in Case File, Grade C, Historical, Regency | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Single White Vampire

By Agent von Drake | January 4, 2009

Case File #: 00016

The Perp: Sands, Lynsay

The Crime: Single White Vampire (Argeneau Book 3)

Classification: Vampire Romance

The Weapons: Introverted SWV meets extroverted SWF. Plus, there’s a convention.

The Victims:

  • Lucern Argenaeu: 600-year-old Mr. Isolation lives in Toronto and spends his evenings playing video games and writing vampire romance novels.
  • Kate C. Leever: Ms. Leever is Lucern’s new editor and she’s going to get the recluse out to do some promotional stuff if it kills her.

The Accessories:

  • The Argeneau Clan: they think Luc’s surly and sort of propel him in the general direction of Kate when they see them having fun together.
  • Kate’s bosses and co-workers: they just meddle. Really they do.
  • Thousands of rabid romance novel fans: can we say fanatic?

Violations: Opposites attract and there are way too many closed lips and minds in this relationship to believe that they are ever going to get it together for the eternally-ever-after.

Analysis: I don’t know what possessed me to read this novel. I read an excerpt from one of the other books in this series after reading The Rogue Hunter, and said, hey, Sands is funny…let’s give this vampire thing another shot! Guh.

Ok, the accolades first: this novel made me laugh out loud more than once during the reading. There are some super hilarious situations, can we say condoms?

Now that aside, I don’t know, I was just kinda blah with the story. I can see that Sands is trying to depict the craziness that can be seen at a romance novel convention, but I don’t know, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I’ve never been to one, so I wouldn’t be able to compare it anyway. At the beginning of the book, Kate was really getting on my nerves because she was so damn pushy. So by the end, I just wasn’t that invested in her happiness, and I felt bad for Luc getting stuck with her.

Finally, I don’t know if this is a developmental thing or just a dumb character flaw, but Luc never seems to equate not being able to read Kate’s mind with the whole life mate thing that Sands kept going on about in The Rogue Hunter. His bumbling manner just made him seem stupid in my opinion. So either he had some really crappy parents who forgot to teach him the vampire birds and the bees, or Sands had yet to flesh out the idea by this point in the series (this is book 3, whereas The Rogue Hunter is book 10).

Recommended Action: I’m going to have to give this one a C. The only redeeming factor is the humor– actually just the condom scene, some of the other stuff was just silly.

Posted in Case File, Grade C, Paranormal, Vampire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Talk Me Down

By Agent von Drake | December 31, 2008

Case File #: 00015

The Perp: Dahl, Victoria

The Crime: Talk Me Down

Classification: Contemporary Romance

The Weapons: Secrets, stalkers and quite guys who like sex. Plus lots of dirty jokes. I am totally sending this book to Agent Green.

The Victims:

  • Molly Jennings: the small town girl who left ten years ago for Denver, only to return in hopes of some inspiration for her major writer’s block. Nobody knows that she writes erotic romance for a living, and she wants to keep it that way.
  • Ben Lawson: the man that Molly lusted after when she was a teenager, he’s her older brother’s best friend. He’s tall, he wears a cowboy hat and his eye was always kinda on Molly even though he tries desperately not to look.

The Accessories:

  • Cameron Kasten: the hostage negotiator from Denver that Molly broke up with six months ago. He has the uncanny ability to convince all of her potential love interests that she’s still hung up on him.
  • Brenda White: the police station secretary who isn’t too keen on Molly being back in town.

Violations: Gratuitous use of sex and dirty jokes? I kid, I kid, this was a funny book!

Analysis: Dahl is quickly becoming one of my favorite romance authors. Her books are fun, fast paced and her characters are really conflicted, in a good way of course. Also, she is the first author that has tempted me to venture into the world of Contemporary Romance. I’m not sure if it’s something I’ll do all the time, but for Dahl, I might make an exception.

So the book itself was engrossing, which is saying a lot since I have been running into a bit of ‘romance novel overload’ marked by my inability to stay invested in a story long enough to read it to the end. There are some really great minor characters and let’s just say, Dahl takes the the sex part just a bit past my personal comfort level, but the books are good, so I let it slide.

My only real issue, and it’s not with this book particularly but something within all the books she’s published so far (3 total) because I’m starting to notice a trend–what’s up with the gal always having a stalker? I understand it adds an element of mystery and drives the couples together, but since I grew up on Queen Christie herself, I can usually guess who it is. And I’m right. Even when you try to trick the audience Ms. Dahl, even when you try to trick us. So for me, it’s the weakest part of the story.

Recommended Action: Just go read it. It’s pretty fucking funny. A

Posted in Contemporary, Grade A | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

Succubusted

By Agent von Drake | December 28, 2008

Case File #: 00014

The Perp: Lavey, Inara

The Crime: Succubusted

Classification: Short Story Paranormal Erotica

The Weapons: Succubus (a female being that feeds off the life force of others during sex).

The Victims:

  • Lil: the narrator who’s part Succubus thanks to her grandmother. She can’t have a long-term relationship since her feeding on her boyfriend’s life force starts to drain their energy (and if she’s not careful, induce death).
  • Damien: the hunky cotton candy guy at the carnival that Lil is drawn to.

The Accessories: This is a short story, so there are other people mentioned, but there isn’t much elaboration and they don’t do much for the plot.

Violations: This is another story with a contemporary setting, and I haven’t read many contemporaries, but I’m not into the brand name dropping (i.e. he wore Levi’s or something). But this is done just a couple of times.

Analysis: Ok, one might be asking, why is Agent von Drake reading this stuff? Well, I was looking around online because I wrote a short story romance was was fixin’ to try and get it out there, that is when I stumbled upon Ravenous Romance. It’s a nifty site for ebooks, and they sell some short stories for only a buck (they have longer stuff, but I haven’t an ereader, so I’ll stick with things that I can read on my computer in short periods of time). Since I was looking to pitch a short, I thought I might as well read one that was selling well on the site. Enter Succubusted!

I don’t want to say too much about the story, since it is short. All it all, it was a fun little bit of erotica with clever use of the paranormal. I had never heard of a Succubus before, but in the restricted space of this short (which is like 6k in length), Lavey gives a nice and quick description. The ending is is pretty loose, not like in a full on historical where you feel there is a resolution and everyone will ‘live happily ever after’, but it works for this style of story telling.

Oh, did I mention it was steamy? Agent Green would love it.

Recommended Action: If you like the erotic aspects of romance novels and want a little bit to read in a short amount of time, that is pretty cheap (did I mention it’s only a buck?), go and download it. B

Posted in Case File, Grade B, Paranormal | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

A Rake’s Guide to Pleasure

By Agent Beauregard | December 28, 2008

Case File #: 00013

The Perp: Dahl, Victoria

The Crime: A Rake’s Guide to Pleasure

Classification: Historical Romance

The Weapons: Sassiness, Nonchalance

The Victims: Emma Jensen, aka The Dowager Lady Denmore - a young, sassy virgin pretending to be her dead uncle’s widow so she can gamble with rich people, and take their money. She wants to win enough to buy a beach house, and she also fears her “wicked” sexual feelings.

Duke of Somerhart, aka “Hart”, a Duke who all the lady’s want to sleep with, only he’s bored with the “ton” - perhaps hes just bored with his super easy life. His sister used to be slutty so he has a chip on his shoulder. Also, when he was young he wrote a mushy letter to an older woman, who was letting another guy spy on them in bed, and his pride was irrevocably wounded.

The Accessories: No one really encourages this “relationship”, either directly or indirectly, mostly because no one knows much about it. But it is worth mentioning that there is a crazy blond man named Matthew who stalks Emma and then kidnaps her because she let him touch her boobs years ago. He dies in a freak rock-crumbling accident, and all is well again.

Violations: Hart’s lame dark pasts for the main characters. Surely Dahl could come up wit better pasts for her hero. Having a slutty sister and being the victim of voyeurism are not things that provoke sympathy in others.

Analysis: This book stands out from the rest because of the unexpectedly kinky “love” scenes. Dahl really thinks outside of the historical romance box in this one. The story was decent, and Emma is a formidable heroine. I give this book an A-.

Posted in Case File, Grade A, Historical, Victorian | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Rogue Hunter

By Agent von Drake | December 27, 2008

Case File #: 00012

The Perp: Sands, Lynsay

The Crime: The Rogue Hunter

Classification: Vampire Romance

The Weapons: Uh…hot alpha male vampires!

The Victims:

  • Samantha ‘Sam’ Willan: the career driven lawyer who’s on vacation with her sisters. She’s just out of a pretty bad break up and gets it in her head (thanks to her sisters) that a fling with the cute Mortimer would be a good idea. She’s tall, flat chested with dark hair and pale skin
  • Garrett Gordon Mortimer: the Beckhamesque (I shit you not, Sands does not explicitly say the name Beckham, but she totally describes him) 800 year old ‘vampire’ who’s an enforcer for The Council.

The Accessories:

  • Alex and Jo Willan: Sam’s sisters who encourage this relationship to happen.
  • Bricker: Mortimer’s partner who also encourages this relationship to happen.
  • Decker: another rogue hunter who’s on vacation but owns the neighboring cottage to the Willian sisters, so he’s around and helping out our dynamic hunter duo. He’s a bit aloof, but thinks that if Sam is Mortimer’s life mate, then he better go get her.
  • One ‘rogue’ vampire: some vampire who’s been biting mortals. The Council’s law dictates that a vampire shouldn’t feed ‘off the hoof’ unless it’s some dire situation. Since someone hasn’t been sticking to bagged blood in the area, they send in our hunters.

Violations: Overuse of sayings-with-hyphens! Also, I didn’t really like her description of nanos (i.e. nanotechnology…I used to study engineering, so maybe I’m just picky).

Analysis: Ok, so I used to be a big Anne Rice fan when I was younger and ever since this Twilight phenomenon (I can’t bring myself to read the books…) I’ve been intrigued by the concept of vampire romance fiction, mostly because I couldn’t fathom why vampires would need to have sex. I bought this book on a whim at Target, even though a week before I couldn’t bring myself to purchase one at Borders. I said I wouldn’t read one regardless of my fascination, but I did. It wasn’t too bad actually.

This novel was pretty damn funny. Sands really likes to put her characters through the ringer, every time the try hooking up for the first two-thirds of the novel, something weird cuts into the mood. I thought the leeches were the best, but that might just creep some people out.

Overall, I’d have to say that it was an interesting twist on vampire lore (they are immortal humans who dislike being called ‘vampires’, btw). I didn’t mind the characters and characterization too much, although Mortimer’s initial hesitation to Sam being his life mate (something that is rare, a mortal that a particular vamp can’t control or read) because she wasn’t the voluptuous bombshell he expected was a bit chaffing.

One thing that I wasn’t too keen on was the ending, I think that Sam was a bit delusional in thinking that she might be able to find vampires for her sisters as well.  But her overall selfishness with not being turned seemed to fit her personality. I just don’t see this relationship working if she’s working in Toronto and he’s running around chasing rogues…even if she was turned into a vampire. Whatever.

Recommended Action: This is a solid B, so if you are interested in vampire romances, go ahead and read it, but be forewarned, this isn’t your well known Dracula lore and it borders on Science Fiction with the explanation. Oh and this is book 10 in the series, so I’m not sure that I’ll be reading the rest.

Posted in Grade B, Paranormal, Vampire | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

When the Duke Returns

By Agent von Drake | November 27, 2008

Case File #: 00011

The Perp: James, Eloisa

The Crime: When the Duke Returns (Book 4 of James’ Desperate Duchesses sextet)

Classification: Historical Romance (Georgian)

The Weapons: Arranged marriage by proxy (11 years ago!), a feisty Italian wife and travel minded absentee husband. Oh and virginity, a whole lotta virginity.

The Victims:

  • Isidore Del’Fino, Duchess of Cosway: she’s rich, she gorgeous and she’s been waiting for her husband  to come back from the wilds of Africa and beget a damn heir.
  • Simeon Jermyn, Duke of Cosway: he’s tall, he’s traveled and he’s damn determined to continue his controlled existence. By the way, that control is totally tested around Isidore, so he thinks that they need an annulment.

The Accessories:

  • Jemma, Duchess of Beaumont: Isidore’s friend who’s scandalous and flamboyant. She gives Isidore tips on getting her husband to bed her. Jemma also has a side story with her husband Elijah the Duke of Beaumont (since her book will be the next in the series).
  • The Duke of Villiers: the convalescing duke who always seems to be aiding people when he least expects it. By far, my favorite character is this series.
  • Requisite demanding dowager duchess (Simeon’s mother). She’s a penny-pincher who’s got too much pride to get the water closets fixed even when Cosway’s mansion starts to stink like a privy.

Violations: There is a lot of bouncing back and forth in this novel. Sometimes you wonder if the duo will really get their happy ending.

Analysis: So, this novel came out yesterday and I decided that I would throw up it’s review first (I had planned on doing a chronological review of the Desperate Duchesses Sextet).

First of all, I love this series by James because it is very detailed, it’s set in a time frame other than the Regency period (where James’ other novels lie) and there is a lot going on. The problem with there being a lot going on, you can’t just read one of these books, you had better read them all or you will start to wonder what you are missing (especially if you read them out of order…like I did in the beginning). The most frustrating thing about this series is that she keeps dangling minor character entanglements in front of you that you want to see develop (can we say Villiers?), but you know that they won’t (Villiers will have to wait until book 6!).

As for When the Duke Returns, I was really anticipating this novel after it was introduced that he had returned at the end of Duchess by Night. Of course, it was wildly divergent from what I thought it would be about (virgins, virgins, everywhere!), which was kinda cool.

Isidore comes off as a bit too harsh, and since each of the main characters has their own personal hang ups from the past, you feel a bit sorry for Simeon. Then again, Simeon comes off as a petulant little boy who thinks that it’s his job to be the unquestionable leader of the marriage and you just want to hit him over the head.  Then again, one would suppose that his characterization is more historically accurate than Isidore’s independent/modern one. All in all, I liked the paring, but occasionally I just got a bit peeved at Simeon because his motivations or validations seemed somewhat adolescent.

As for Jemma’s love triangle (which has been played out across all the novels thus far), I don’t really like the fact that she’s forgiven Elijah (I was rooting for Villiers!). That’s my stupid modern sensibility.

Recommended Action: Read it, but make sure you’ve read the other novels first since they all tie together. B

Posted in Case File, Georgian, Grade B, Historical | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Two Dukes of Wyndham

By Agent von Drake | November 23, 2008

Series Profile #: 00001

The Perp: Quinn, Juila

The Crimes:

  1. The Lost Duke of Wyndham
  2. Mr. Cavendish, I Presume

Classification: Regency Romance

The Weapons:

  1. Highwaymen, under appreciated companions and lost heirs.
  2. Identity crisis, under appreciated fiances and lost heirs.

The Victims:

  1. Jack Audley and Grace Eversleigh: The highwayman who’s the heir to the dukedom and the companion to the Dowager Duchess of Wyndham.
  2. Thomas Cavendish and Amelia Willoughby: The current Duke of Wyndham and the fiance that he’s never gotten around to marrying.

The Accessories:

  • One bitchy and manipulative dowager duchess.

Violations: Two books that depict different point of views of the same story. Brilliant idea, but somewhat redundant in execution.

Analysis: On Quinn’s official website, she advertises that she wrote this pair of books at the same time, in honor of that, I will review them at the same time!

Ok, so the premise of these books are simple: Thomas Cavendish is the Duke of Wyndham and it turns out that Jack Audley might be the son of Thomas’ long-dead uncle (who happens to precede Thomas’ father in the Wyndham lineage). All sorts of craziness ensue and we get to see it first from Jack’s perspective in The Lost Duke of Wyndham and then from Thomas’ perspective in Mr. Cavendish, I Presume.

Let me first say that these books are classic-Quinn-returned-with-vengeance! Which is fabulous, because I had not been loving Quinn novels post-Bridgerton #6 (When He was Wicked). The big problem with this series is that the second book is really a re-telling of the first book, so when you are reading it, you start skimming things that are not directly in line with the central romance between Thomas and Amelia.

Each of these books is really character driven, with each man harboring something that is eating away at them. Jack has his big, dark secret that he has to face when they all (everybody in this novel) go to Ireland to verify his legitimacy. Thomas has a crisis of identity, he’s been the duke so long, he doesn’t know if he can separate himself from the title. But of the two female leads, I would have to say that I favor Amelia over Grace. Grace is an overlooked servant that Jack romances silly, but Amelia, she’s an overlooked daughter, sister and fiance. Also, there’s more to her than even she gives herself credit for and at the end of Mr. Cavendish, I Presume, it feels like her character has really grown more than the others.

Recommended Action: I would say, you should just pick the one you think you might like more and read it first. Well, which ever one you read first (I might suggest the second one), you will love and that will detract from the next one that you read. On their own (if the other book did not exist), they would be deserving of high B’s or low A’s in my opinion. As a pair, the redundancy warrants a B-.

Posted in Grade B, Historical, Regency, Series Profile | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Rake’s Guide to Pleasure

By Agent von Drake | November 10, 2008

Case File #: 00010

The Perp: Dahl, Victoria

The Crime: A Rake’s Guide to Pleasure

Classification: Historical Romance

The Weapons: A desperate ‘widow’, excessive gambling, an obsessed psychopath and general rakish tendencies.

The Victims:

  • Emily ‘Emma’ Jensen, a.k.a “the Dowager Baroness Denmore”: she’s a drinker, a gambler and a widow to boot (granted, she’s all of nineteen). How can Hart not be tempted by this bedroom-voiced firecracker?
  • ‘Hart’ Huntington, Duke of Somerhart: from the get go, he’s suspicious of the impossibly young widow (his partner of choice) who’s greedy for coin. And he has some serious coinage, so he’s positive that he can get under her skirts. He’s controlling, ruthless, composed and known throughout the ton as ‘Winterhart’ and ‘Hartless’.

The Accessories:

  • Viscount Lancaster: the fortune hunter that develops a kinship with Emma.
  • Lord Marsh: generally lecherous man who doesn’t seem to care that Emma is supposedly the duke’s mistress.
  • Mr. Jones: the lovesick nitwit who makes Emma’s life harder than it needs to be.
  • The requisite psychopath: because one can’t have a crazy turn in plot that carries the story for another 100 or so pages without one!

Violations: Is the hero’s first name really Hart? I thought it was some sort of nickname for Sommerhart. So, either his parents were silly and gave him a name that is part of his future title, or the author never reveals his true first name. This totally bothered me in To Tempt a Scotsman as well.

Analysis: This book was interesting, and rather tortured. Both the hero and the heroine have the same problem: they are inherently wicked. Hart (who is totally cool with his wickedness) tries to control all aspects of his affairs so that he isn’t embarrassed by some loose-lipped tart. Emma (who is totally not cool with her wickedness) tries to avoid it at all costs. This is where we get all the rakish charm, manipulation and sexual tension that makes this novel fun to read.

The big reason that Emma fears her wickedness, and is determined not to succumb to Hart’s demands, is that she has a deep, dark past that includes the requisite psychopath. This was the reason I found Emma to be a great heroine, she has an agenda and she sticks to her plan. The little-girl-lost bit doesn’t really appear until the end when her past is finally revealed to Hart. All in all, it makes for an emotional read.

Did I mention that Dahl likes to push the envelope? That’s the sexual envelope, if you’re wondering.

Recommended Action: I actually read this book before To Tempt a Scotsman (out of order yet again! I need to work on that), and I loved it. After reading To Tempt a Scotsman, I kinda like this novel a little less because there were some similarities in characters and plot twists that didn’t sit well with me (but I’m picky). Anyway, definite read (and you can skip To Tempt a Scotsman if you wish). A-

Posted in Case File, Grade A, Historical, Victorian | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Suddenly You

By Agent Greene | November 9, 2008

Case File #: 00007

The Perp: Kleypas, Lisa

The Crime: Suddenly You

Classification: Historical Romance

The Weapons: She is a little past the cusp of spinsterhood and a little past voluptuous, and his past was seriously abusive.

The Victims: Amanda Briars, the independent female novelist, and Jack Devlin the ambitious publisher.

The Accessories: Are not terribly important.

Violations: A dark moment that is even more contrived than usual.

Analysis: This book is a nearly perfect silly romance novel. Kleypas outdoes herself with amusing opening scenes (how can you go wrong with a heroine who is wants sex for her birthday and a case of mistaken identity?), a fairly novel plot, and barrier breaking sex (seriously. fruit is involved). Unfortunately, the stupid overly dramatic climactic ‘dark moment’ that is the plague of the romance novel genre seems even more overwrought in this book- where Kleypas dares to bend so many other rules- than elsewhere and gives this otherwise very enjoyable book a bad aftertaste.

Recommended Action: Very much worth reading, just remember not to dwell on the last dramatic hiccups before the happy ending. A-

Posted in Case File, Grade A, Historical, Victorian | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment