Case File #: 0023
The Crime: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
The Perp: Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith
Classification: (defies classification)
The Weapons: manky dreadfuls, katana swords, Brown Bess muskets, daggers, outdated social exigencies
The Victims: Jane Austen
The Accessories: hoards of British undead, aka “manky dreadfuls,” aka “unmentionables,” aka “the stricken”
Violations:
Mr. Darcy is rendered not unlovable but awkward by his [...]
Series Profile#:00002
The Perp: Meyer, Stephenie
The Crimes: Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn
Classification: Young Adult Romance
The Weapons:
Painfully slow plot progression (at times)
Alternating lethal doses of sickeningly sweet love and devastating, incurable heartbreak
The beauty of Edward’s cold, hard Being, with which we are endlessly bludgeoned
All-around ridiculousness
The Victims:
Bella, the reluctant human: we identify with her because [...]
Case File #: 00018
The Perp: Mitchell, Margaret
The Crime: Gone With the Wind
Classification: American Literature
The Weapons: Antebellum nostalgia, plucky women.
The Victims:
Scarlett O’Hara - Hampton -Booth - Butler - painfully selfish, driven woman who vows to see her childhood estate restored to its old glory after Union soldiers destroy it. She will not let her husbands, children, [...]
Case File #: 00015
The Perp: Dahl, Victoria
The Crime: Talk Me Down
Classification: Contemporary Romance
The Weapons: Secrets, stalkers and quite guys who like sex. Plus lots of dirty jokes. I am totally sending this book to Agent Green.
The Victims:
Molly Jennings: the small town girl who left ten years ago for Denver, only to return in hopes of [...]
Case File #: 00013
The Perp: Dahl, Victoria
The Crime: A Rake’s Guide to Pleasure
Classification: Historical Romance
The Weapons: Sassiness, Nonchalance
The Victims: Emma Jensen, aka The Dowager Lady Denmore - a young, sassy virgin pretending to be her dead uncle’s widow so she can gamble with rich people, and take their money. She wants to win enough to [...]
Case File #: 00010
The Perp: Dahl, Victoria
The Crime: A Rake’s Guide to Pleasure
Classification: Historical Romance
The Weapons: A desperate ‘widow’, excessive gambling, an obsessed psychopath and general rakish tendencies.
The Victims:
Emily ‘Emma’ Jensen, a.k.a “the Dowager Baroness Denmore”: she’s a drinker, a gambler and a widow to boot (granted, she’s all of nineteen). How can Hart not [...]
Case File #: 00007
The Perp: Kleypas, Lisa
The Crime: Suddenly You
Classification: Historical Romance
The Weapons: She is a little past the cusp of spinsterhood and a little past voluptuous, and his past was seriously abusive.
The Victims: Amanda Briars, the independent female novelist, and Jack Devlin the ambitious publisher.
The Accessories: Are not terribly important.
Violations: A dark [...]
Case File #: 00008
The Perp: Leroux, Gaston
The Crime: The Phantom of the Opera
Classification: Classic Romance
The Victims:
Erik: The Opera Ghost, “king of stranglers, prince of conjurors,” demigod and siren, monster and lowest of the low. Oh yes, and he’s unspeakably ugly.
Christine Daaé: an opera singer. A feeble-minded, silly little fool; unworthy object of the [...]
Case File #: 00006
The Perp: Quinn, Julia
The Crime: Brighter Than the Sun
Classification: Regency Romance
The Weapons: Marriage of convenience!
The Victims:
Miss Eleanore ‘Ellie’ Lyndon: the no-nonsense daughter of a vicar (and younger sister of Victoria Lyndon from Everything and the Moon) with remarkable financial acumen.
Charles Wycomb, Earl of Billington: the dashing Earl that compulsively writes lists [...]