Case File #: 0023
The Crime: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
The Perp: Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith
Classification: (defies classification)
The Weapons: manky dreadfuls, katana swords, Brown Bess muskets, daggers, outdated social exigencies
The Victims: Jane Austen
The Accessories: hoards of British undead, aka “manky dreadfuls,” aka “unmentionables,” aka “the stricken”
Violations:
- Mr. Darcy is rendered not unlovable but awkward by his constant stream of innuendo referencing male genitalia
- Mr. Grahame-Smith allows America’s fetish for Japanese culture to permeate what used to be a wonderful romance. Unforgivable!
- A prosthesis made of lead and hickory
Commendations:
- The added dimension to Mr. Darcy’s bad-boy image from his constant stream of completely gratuitous remarks on male genitalia
- A stained glass window depicting “a resurrected Christ returning to slay the last of the unmentionables, Excalibur in hand”
- The thought of chewing on Mr. Darcy’s ” salty, cauliflower-like brain”
- zombie-speak: “Mah dear Ewiza, he muss be love you…”
- musket fishing
Analysis:
It is astonishing how well the role of zombie-killer suits Elizabeth Bennett, and how natural it seems to find her with warm ninja blood dripping from her chin. I almost regret that the zombie device was not used to make more drastic changes to the plot and certain characters’ destinies; it seemed there were points where just deserts were within reach but then shied away from to cling more closely to the original story.
I had a difficult time understanding why Mr. Darcy had suddenly become so vulgar, until I discovered that Mr. Grahame-Smith is also the author of The Big Book of Porn: A Penetrating Look at the World of Dirty Movies. Now it all makes sense.
Recommended Action:
I give this book an A for intent but only a B for execution, averaging out to an A-. Reading it is strongly advised, not only for the text itself but for the truly awesome illustrations of zombie warfar interspersed throughout the book. Just don’t expect to enjoy it the same way you may have enjoyed Pride and Prejudice; there is very little romance left in this romance.